Community Blog
April 29, 2008
| cancer humor | Views: 318 |
So…what happens when you try to make a strong independent woman do something she doesn’t want to do? This is what happens. Vikki took me to Sarasota for a P.E.T. scan yesterday. Pet Scans are at the top of the food chain…above MRI, Ultrasound’s and CAT scans. We go into this very fancy practice…so already I’m pissed off because of the luxurious office…many women don’t get the health care they need (greedy bastards) so after waiting.. this little creepy guy takes me back…Vikki takes my car and heads to the mall. He brings me into a closet…which is really a waiting room and informs me he has to “radiate me”. What the F———— no one told me I was getting a shot. His hands are ice cold (creepy Bastard) I can see 3 needles on the table and a long wire..so I ask…are you inserting that wire into my arm…I get a head nod. So he pumps me up with the three needle’s and leaves the wire hanging out of my arm…....Now I’m nauseous and very cold… he gives me a blanket…I think it was made of hemp…why don’t they have those soft Velex blankets we have at home? After a long waiting period…he removes the wire and takes me into a room…long narrow room with BIG equipment….all white steel..I’m not doing well. The test will take about 45 minutes. He tells me to lie on the table (which is about 6 inches wide…my A___ is hanging off…it’s good because I am no longer preoccupied with the test…I’m afraid I’m going to fall off the table. He wraps a rubber band around the tips of my shoes..OK…he ties my knees together. He then Velcros my arms from shoulders to writs…like a straight jacket (this was Gods punishment for all the people I have committed over the years and were put into straight jackets)..I’m telling him…”I’m ready not feeling well”...he gives me a blanket and wraps it over me head to toe…right under my neck…BIG mistake..I can’t even wear collars..so I’m trying to be polite…”I really don’t feel well”...he ignores me…I have a cold sweat going on…He says..I’ll be in the other room watching the camera. Holy Shit…he’s going to put me in that long, narrow tube and leave me alone. I’m trying to remember every relaxation therapy I have ever taught anyone…I can’t remember any of them. He leaves the room…and the noise starts…a grinding circular noise…here I go. The tube is so narrow..that my shoulders are touching…my hair is touching the top. I try to deep breathe..I try to think of my JOY…my Mikaela…I can’t remember what she looks like. So I try to wiggle a bit..I get a foot loose..so I try to knock on the side with my foot…”hello…can you hear me?”...no response…”hello, excuse me..but can I come out?” No response….”Louder…excuse me…sir, I need to come out’...no response…I try to free my hands..but there isn’t enough room. That’s it..I start to squirm and bang my foot and yell” hey…get me out of here”...Hey you…are you there…I’m going to kill that little bastard…Finally I start to come out. ( I’m in 5 minutes) “What’s the problem…he says. ( Here’s the problem I’m going to kick your little creepy ass in a minute”).. “I don’t like that thing…I don’t think I can do it”. Little man is highly annoyed…”Just relax he tells me and pushed me to lay down and tries to walk away. Superwoman (that’s me) breaks out of the Velcro ( like a Phoenix bursting from the flames) and I start to walk out…he asks me “are we done”...I want to say “we’ll be done…after I kick your ass”..but I say..we are done. I walk out and have to check if I have my bra with me. I call Vikki (who is having a wonderful time in Williams Sonoma) and cry” please come get me..I’m in the parking lot”. I call John ..who is outraged and tells me “I’m on my way ( I’m in Sarasota). Anyway..Vikki finally shows up with Williams Sonoma purchase in hand (Margarita mixes for my post op celebration) I’m tearful almost hysterical. Vikki wants to go to lunch…I want to go to TJ Max. I saw a beautiful pocketbook the other day..by Via Spagia…Red Italian leather…I want it. It’s marked down to $159…who cares…I buy a pair of shoes and a nightgown for extra support. I see a Coach bag…from $695 to $300..Vikki says I can’t have it…for the $695 bag I have to finish the whole Pet scan.
I have to plan carefully…John and I have decided that we are going to go to Alaska next year, a road trip and a cruise.(.but I have to to reward myself along the way)...next stop…a great pair of Jimmy Choo Shoes from Norstroms..I’m up in Tampa next week for more tests. What do women do who don’t have access to great stores? I love all of you…Thanks for laughing along the way with me. We will all do lunch before I go to the hospital..I want all of you to remember how kind and sweet I am…BEFORE you all get jealous of my new (25 year old) large perky breasts! My future plan is to only wear “Pam Anderson clothing” after surgery. By the way..some of you may not be comfortable with the updates…tough shit…it’s all about ME! Love you. Annette
Thanks for your support -
Too funny!
Your right, it all about you. It is your fight and your blog and I personally like perky, large breasts of any age…and if you need a bit of help kicking the ass of the cold creepy little bastard call me up and I will ride down.
You have the right attitude, cancer sucks and the best thing to do is kick it square in the sack and keep living.
Keep posting…too funny!
Mac