Community Blog
November 29, 2007
| Acceptance | Views: 891 |
Hello everyone. My name is Stacy and I’m new to this site! I’m still trying to figure out all the features! But I’ve spent the last couple days navigating around and feel more at home here each time I visit.
It has been difficult to digest, all the posts I’ve read. I’ve said a prayer for all of us! It’s ironic how something you think you understand at a younger age will come sharply into focus at a later date and show you exactly what you DIDN’T understand the first time around (as if part of a plan, eh?). My mom had MS and I would try and try to get her to rejoin a water aerobics class or rejoin her support group…she had abandoned both shortly after joining. I would get frustrated with her because I thought she was coming up with excuses for why she couldn’t make it to these things. She was still self-propelled and still very independent. Finally, after years of prodding, one day she decided to go to water aerobics once a week (I was thrilled). When I asked her why now, she finally confessed to me that she had initially quit because seeing those other folks with MS at the pool and in the MS group scared her. She felt like she was staring into her future and it was too difficult to face. I thought I understood but from my high-horse, I said, “Mother (that’s what I called her when I was trying to be firm), you are NOT going to end up like that. You overthink things!” What an optimist-without-a-clue-idiot I was! I never let her talk to me about the scary parts of her disease because I WOULD NOT accept that she had it! I acknowledged it, I would listen when she described her daily challenges, I encouraged her. But if her attitude ever got too negative, I would nip it in the bud, start piping my rhetoric about stinkin’ thinkin’ and the power of staying positive. I’m sure each time I shut her down like that, she felt more alone. I didn’t get it. By denying myself the acceptance, I denied her a friend. Of course, I didn’t realize what I had done until it was too late.
Anyway, I realize now why it has taken me almost five months to finally reach out to other survivors (still a VERY hard word for me to use), and to seek some support. I’ve been in denial that I even had cancer in the first place. And the more I deny myself the drama of an official acceptance of having had cancer and of entering this new risk bracket, the more depressed I get. I can feel myself withdrawing from life which is so frustrating because I’m FINE, as in, I’ve been “cured” of cancer. But I don’t feel fine. I feel sad, tired and beat up. And I feel guilty for feeling so physically and mentally crappy all the time. I’ve read all sorts of stuff about women living their lives more fully after cancer, but I feel even less in touch with my life. It’s definitely depression. But I wonder if any of you have suggestions for moving PAST the denial?? I feel mired up in this. I’ve tried a couple anti-depressants but I hate the side-effects. I’m dealing with some lymphedema (has anyone felt some bumpy swelling on the rib cage near the breast bone? My Dr thinks mine are mostly likely lymph glands but I am going in for tests next week as they just want to make sure) but the worst part are all the headaches and muscular aches. I’ve been going to PT but it was becoming so difficult to recover from (I know it was helping but it also felt like they were stirring up a hornet’s nest, and the scar work was almost unbearable) that I’ve skipped my last few appointments and taken some time off from work. I feel like a weakling and wonder how much of the physical problems I’m having have to do with the actual mastectomy. Maybe I’m more depressed than I thought. I ache everywhere! Has anyone tried Cymbalta?
Can you tell I’ve been watching too much TV lately? :o)
I started doing Pilates this week, just a light, 20 minute workout. I like it and am going to stick with it. But I wondered if anyone out there has any other suggestions / techniques for aleviating the depression associated with cancer and accepting this major change in life? I feel like a hamster on a wheel right now and need to break out of this! Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Stacy
Thanks for your support -
Hi Stacy, I’m glad that you’re finally over the worst of the treatment process. As for depression, dealing with it varies with each person. Find something that you love to do, something that brings you peace.
For me, I like to write. I’ve kept a journal for decades and it’s really helped me over the worst bouts of depression. For others, it’s gardening, support groups, exercise, drawing, etc. I recommend establishing a daily routine that you can stick to. It’ll be something you can focus on especially when you don’t feel like doing anything. Exercise is also very important in combatting depression and you’re already doing that.
By the way, welcome to the group. Hugs…Grace
It is alway great to welcome a new family member
” We need to help each other”
:0) Sherri
Stacy,
I like pilates and yoga. I am now suffering from some depression 6 months after my bilateral mastectomy. It is a tough road but you have endured. You can only live day by day, minute by minute.
Melissa
Hi Stacey, and welcome. Im truly sorry to hear about your cancer but more worried about your depression… I personally went thru cancer in the beginnig of Jam. 06, and just fourd out that I will be needing more chemo in Jan O8. As for you, I have fournd that sometimes y have to get subborn about the situation and so I keep telling myself the positive side of whatever is happening.
I also have put my faith in God and turned it over to Him completely… I have never worried about the situation.. Rhia ia nor meaning that I don’t have pain, some day I can hardly stand it but then I keep sayin thank you Lord for let your will be done in my life.. Get Stubborn.. if someone says “oh thats to bad or I feel sorry for what you are going thru, tell them the truth that they have absolutely no idea, but thanks anyway
I will keep you in my prayers, as we oth to keep each other in prayer.. and I will ask that you receive the grace, the fortitude and the peace to come upon you .. I wish you the best that this world has to offer and that you may find a friend who will trust and hear what it is that you are saying…. Loads of Love Ray o